Vince, how could you?

I hope Pea doesn't put her hopes in Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau.

Saturday was not my best day.  For the most part, it was just Pea and I and throughout the day I was bested several times by a toddler.  An emasculating experience, if there ever was one.

It started out well enough.  Pea had a swimming lesson and while we arrived a little late, we were both pleased to hop into the water... until we realized that the water in the pool was absolutely freezing.  As I cursed under my breath, Pea and I reluctantly splashed around for 5 minutes before Paulina, our swim 'instructor' (she barely does anything that can be deemed instructing) decided we should all head to the hot tub to warm up.

Are toddlers even supposed to go in hot tubs, I wonder?  Oh well, too late...

Once in the hot tub, we slowed down our pace considerably.  I was content to just hold Pea, and she was content to just be held.

Until she saw the slide.  The small yellow slide.  That she loves.

Pea insisted that she go down the slide before we leave, which meant I had to hop back into the ice pool to catch her.  As I muttered more curse words under my breath, Pea gleefully slid down the slide.  I made sure she never touched the water, I think... when a guy goes from a hot bath to a cold shower, his mind tends to wander.

So, the first part of the day ends with two undescended testicles and a rather lethargic baby.

Once home, I decided to ride the wave of lethargy and put Pea down for her nap a little earlier than usual.  Ok, an hour and a half earlier than usual.  What can I say?  She was clearly tired and I figured, why not?

After her nap, a good one by Pea's standards, it was 'lunch time.'  I painstakingly made her pasta, with veggies and meatballs while she was asleep and she ate two noodles and half a meatball, methodically pushing aside all form of veggie.  She then refused yogurt, insisted on having a banana only to peel it and play with it, and then had me give her an apple so she could essentially rub it on the table.

Fine, she wasn't hungry.  But I lost it about a dozen times while trying to get her to eat.  It wasn't pretty.  And only one testicle had descended at this point.

If you've ever tried to reason with a toddler, you'll know that they are essentially liars and cheats who will do and say whatever it takes to get what they want.  Not on purpose, obviously, but it is nevertheless an agonizing experience to take someone at their word only to have them laugh in your face while they do exactly what they just said they wouldn't do.

The lesson here: if you ask a toddler if she wants an apple to eat or to play with, and she says she wants to eat it, she's probably lying.

After 'lunch,' our next stop was the mall.  I had to line-up to get the money-grab sticker for the car and truth be told, Pea was a pretty good little girl while we waited in line for over an hour.  As a reward, we spent 20 minutes in a Bozo the Clown car, one of those $1 rides at the mall.  She loved it, and I loved watching her play.

Next stop — home for dinner.  Logic would state that if she didn't eat lunch, she'd definitely be starving for dinner, right?   Wrong.  For an accurate description of what ensued over dinner, please re-read the above lunch passage, and multiply by a factor of two.

At this point, I'm practically pulling out my hair.  The crankiness, whininess and spontaneous bursts of frustration were unbearable.  Pea was pretty emotional too.

By the time the Pod got home, I practically ran out the door.  I figured a bad day is best soothed by chinese food... and for the first time in months, a DVD rental.

By the time I got home, the Pod had put Pea to sleep and we were ready to unwind with our take-out and out movie.  Things were looking up.

Sort of.  I rented Couples Retreat.

Wah wah wah waaaaaaah.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't put her hopes in Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau.