New York, NEW YORK!

I had the chance to visit New York City for the first time this past summer. With two kids in tow, we were only there for a day, only visited Central Park and FAO Schwartz, and happened to walk past Trump Tower on our return to the parking lot.  But I was in love before we had even parked the car.

I know how sad it is that I had never been before. In hindsight, I didn't truly understand that the city was real until I saw it with my own eyes. I guess I just thought of it as a character in a movie; something that only exists on TV. By the time we were leaving town, we were already making plans to return.

While I now recognize that the Big Apple is real, my romantic notion of the city is still firmly rooted in fiction and pop culture. Movies and musical interpretations dominate my understanding of NYC so I might still find some surprises when I return - for better or for worse.

With that in mind, I proudly present to you the Top 10 things I expect the city to deliver the next time I cross the bridge.

1. I hope the hooker that grabs my ass in Times Square has, at least, recently washed her hands.

2. When I visit the converted firehall from the 1984 documentary film Ghostbusters, I want to believe that I won't be scared when Slimer flies around overhead, but in my heart of hearts I know I will be.

3. When Jay-Z and I are hanging out at a Brooklyn Nets game, I expect to be discussed as the mystery feller "hangin' with Hov" on TMZ the next day.

4. When I slam my hands down on a cabbie's car, screaming "I'm walking here, I'm walking here!," I expect him to flip me off.

5. If Home Alone 2: Lost in New York taught me anything, it's that no matter how dangerous the streets of the big city are, when your kids go off on misadventures, everything will turn out well in the end.  So Pea and Peanut should be fine if we leave them in the hotel room for an afternoon.

6. As NYC is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, I will expect to instantly become a handsome billionaire philanthropist who doesn't stress over car payments and a mortgage. Dream a little dream...

7. I expect the descendants of William Cutting and Leonardo Dicaprio to still be vying for supremacy in the Five Points, even though I will never go there... they put dead rabbits on stakes, for gods sake.  That's F'in dangerous.

8. I expect there to be more crazy people on the subway than there are normal people. And I'm not talking crazy, like "oh that guy has 20 facial piercings, he's so crazy!" I'm talking "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! THAT CRAZY GUY'S GONNA PEE ON US!" crazy.

9. Not only do I expect to see Woody Allen filming in a movie in NYC, I expect to be given a supporting role in said film (this expectation ties back to #6 on my list - concrete jungle where dreams are made of).

10. While I know their battles are epic, over there on the Upper West Side of town, I pray the Jets and the Sharks can keep their fierce rivalry in check long enough for me to enjoy an exhibit or two at the American Museum of Natural History - coincidentally, the location of the best Ben Stiller movies ever made, Night at the Museum.

WWYBP, 2.0

Pea, running for cover?

Yeah, it's been a while.  Whatever.  I've been busy and I've been lazy and I've neglected blogging.  As Pea would say, "shocking behaviour."  I'm sure your lives have been on standby since I last posted nearly a year ago.  How you all carried on, I will never understand.

So, I'm starting over.  Let's call it what.will.you.be,Pea 2.0.  

When you start over, you usually do something a little different, right?  So, to start, I'm abandoning the "I hope Pea never..." schtick to start each post.  In the extensive market research I have been conducting over the past 10 months, it turns out most of you were skipping over that paragraph anyway, and you'd be surprised by how long it took me to create that one line.

Also, "the Pod" will henceforth be known as "my wife."  Turns out "the Pod" wasn't the endearing term I believed it to be.

Pea, though, remains Pea.  

Ok, now, what to tackle first?  Wait for it... wait for it... farts.  That's right, I waited over 10 months, stored up all kinds of experiences and good times, and I am choosing to start with farts.

One day, not too long ago, Pea came home from school with a new reaction to farts and fart perpetrators.  She applies her reaction equally to her own farts as she does to mine, and really, to any noise that sounds remotely like a fart.  

Here's how things typically go down.  In this example, Pea is the farter, and I am the long-suffering but necessary smeller:

Pea: [FARTS, GIGGLES] (She gets the giggling from me... actually, she gets the farting from me too.)
Me: Oh, what do you say? (Correct answer: excuse me.)
Pea: RUN FOR COVER!  I FARTED!

Then she proceeds to run from the room at top speed, laughing her ass off, which usually leads to more farts, and in turn, more laughter.  Usually, it's funnier than the bridal shop scene from Bridesmaids.  The only exception would be the odd time she thinks she hears one of us fart at the grocery store or in the mall. Then, not so much.

This scenario is funny enough when it plays itself out in our house.  But, let's not forget that she picked this little golden nugget up at school... which means that, on any given day, Pea's teacher has to deal with roughly a dozen instances of 30 children running around a classroom, frantically "looking for cover" from a fart or fart-like noise.

I think we can all agree that that's what makes teaching so rewarding.

There you have it.  what.will.you.be,Pea 2.0.  Same old nonsense, 100% more fart references.

You're welcome.

Those Days Are Over!

I hope Pea doesn't let shenanigans prevent her from doing her job.



Yes, that is me. The bearded guy is Jeremy Knight. Jeremy wrote, directed and cast me, so he's good people. Elvis Deane did all of the behind-the-scenes-movie-making-magic. Elvis is also good people.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't let shenanigans prevent her from doing her job.

Vince, how could you?

I hope Pea doesn't put her hopes in Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau.

Saturday was not my best day.  For the most part, it was just Pea and I and throughout the day I was bested several times by a toddler.  An emasculating experience, if there ever was one.

It started out well enough.  Pea had a swimming lesson and while we arrived a little late, we were both pleased to hop into the water... until we realized that the water in the pool was absolutely freezing.  As I cursed under my breath, Pea and I reluctantly splashed around for 5 minutes before Paulina, our swim 'instructor' (she barely does anything that can be deemed instructing) decided we should all head to the hot tub to warm up.

Are toddlers even supposed to go in hot tubs, I wonder?  Oh well, too late...

Once in the hot tub, we slowed down our pace considerably.  I was content to just hold Pea, and she was content to just be held.

Until she saw the slide.  The small yellow slide.  That she loves.

Pea insisted that she go down the slide before we leave, which meant I had to hop back into the ice pool to catch her.  As I muttered more curse words under my breath, Pea gleefully slid down the slide.  I made sure she never touched the water, I think... when a guy goes from a hot bath to a cold shower, his mind tends to wander.

So, the first part of the day ends with two undescended testicles and a rather lethargic baby.

Once home, I decided to ride the wave of lethargy and put Pea down for her nap a little earlier than usual.  Ok, an hour and a half earlier than usual.  What can I say?  She was clearly tired and I figured, why not?

After her nap, a good one by Pea's standards, it was 'lunch time.'  I painstakingly made her pasta, with veggies and meatballs while she was asleep and she ate two noodles and half a meatball, methodically pushing aside all form of veggie.  She then refused yogurt, insisted on having a banana only to peel it and play with it, and then had me give her an apple so she could essentially rub it on the table.

Fine, she wasn't hungry.  But I lost it about a dozen times while trying to get her to eat.  It wasn't pretty.  And only one testicle had descended at this point.

If you've ever tried to reason with a toddler, you'll know that they are essentially liars and cheats who will do and say whatever it takes to get what they want.  Not on purpose, obviously, but it is nevertheless an agonizing experience to take someone at their word only to have them laugh in your face while they do exactly what they just said they wouldn't do.

The lesson here: if you ask a toddler if she wants an apple to eat or to play with, and she says she wants to eat it, she's probably lying.

After 'lunch,' our next stop was the mall.  I had to line-up to get the money-grab sticker for the car and truth be told, Pea was a pretty good little girl while we waited in line for over an hour.  As a reward, we spent 20 minutes in a Bozo the Clown car, one of those $1 rides at the mall.  She loved it, and I loved watching her play.

Next stop — home for dinner.  Logic would state that if she didn't eat lunch, she'd definitely be starving for dinner, right?   Wrong.  For an accurate description of what ensued over dinner, please re-read the above lunch passage, and multiply by a factor of two.

At this point, I'm practically pulling out my hair.  The crankiness, whininess and spontaneous bursts of frustration were unbearable.  Pea was pretty emotional too.

By the time the Pod got home, I practically ran out the door.  I figured a bad day is best soothed by chinese food... and for the first time in months, a DVD rental.

By the time I got home, the Pod had put Pea to sleep and we were ready to unwind with our take-out and out movie.  Things were looking up.

Sort of.  I rented Couples Retreat.

Wah wah wah waaaaaaah.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't put her hopes in Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau.

There’s no mistaking it – that guy is an A-hole

I hope Pea isn't intimidated by bumper stickers.

The story you are about to hear, while true, is going to seem impossible, implausible and crazy.  Kind of like the movie She’s Just Not That Into You. But I assure you it is real.

Our tale begins with Pea and I stopped at a regular traffic light, about 5 minutes from our house.  We’re singing along to the radio.  Pea is dancing in her seat.

I look under the sunshade to check the status of the traffic light.  The opposite flow of traffic still had a green light and I watch as the pickup truck in front of us inches forward, over the white line and into the pedestrian crosswalk, trying to get the little man to turn into the little hand.

Then I saw it.  A bumper sticker.  The bumper sticker.  Perhaps the stupidest bumper sticker I have ever seen.

“My kid beat up your honour student.”

You know the part in Back to the Future II, when Marty comes back from the future but arrives in an alternate version of 1985, where Biff is a multi-millionnaire who owns most of Hill Valley and the town has been overrun by motorcycle bandits and other riff-raff?  That’s how I felt when I saw this bumper sticker.  I felt like Marty McFly in another world.

I panicked.

“Pea, where the hell are we?  What the hell is going on here?  Jesus Christ!”

(Incomprehensible gibberish from Pea.)

“I know, I’m sorry, Daddy didn’t mean to swear.  It’s just that I don’t know where we are anymore!  This can’t be right!  I can’t believe what I’m seeing!”

(More gibbersish.)

“What do you mean, calm down?  How can I calm down at a time like this?  How can you be so calm?”

(Silence.)

“You don’t see the madness in that bumper sticker?”

(Silence.)

“What kind of message does it send to his kids?  To his grandkids?  To his neighbours and friends?  Those kids will be in your class Pea!  They’ll think that it’s OK to…”

(Incomprehensible gibberish.)

“You’re right, Pea, I should follow him to his house!  Then we can call the cops or something!”

(Gibberish.)

“Oh, I should just drive to our house.  Sorry, I misunderstood you.”

(More gibberish.)

“So true, Pea.  Freaking out isn’t going to help matters much.”

(Gibberish.)

“Yup, you’ll be able to take care of yourself.  You’ll be proud of being an honour student and you’ll be able defend yourself against kids whose parents don’t believe in them.”

(Gibberish.)

“I think that’s a great idea.  You can befriend and work with them to build their self-esteem, since their parents will have destroyed it for them.”

(Silence.)

“You are wise beyond your months.”

As usual, Pea provides me with a new perspective and outlook on things.  She’s good like that.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she isn't intimidated by bumper stickers.

Now showing...

I hope the characters of Pea's youth don't one day falter in her adulthood.

We read to our little Pea. A lot. Every night we read her one or two books, and we also read to her before nap time. While I wasn't a big reader as a youngin', the Pod was a big book enthusiast and I am hoping Pea picks up where her mom left off.

For those that don't have kids, or who have moved beyond this phase of their lives, many of the books we find ourselves reading Pea are the very same ones we were read as kids. Goodnight Moon, Little Nutbrown Hare, countless Little Golden Books and many a Munsch tale are all prominent fixtures on Pea's bookshelf.

What boggles my mind is that we are beginning to see the characters from our youth coming to life on the big screen. Sure, comic books sagas have been made into films before, but I'm talking about the tales that define many a thirty-something's childhood.

Examples? Ok. Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are is scheduled for release in October and Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland will hit the big screen next year.

As I watch the trailers for these films (see below), I can't help but wonder whether the movies themselves will match the strength of my youthful imagination.

I also wonder if Pea will one day come face to face with the characters from the books we read to her today. Will Frisson L'Écureuil make a major motion picture one day? Will Pea get to see Little Miss Curious take on Little Mr. Tickle in a big screen Battle Royal? Who knows.

I'll let you know what my opinion is once I've seen Alice and Max on the big screen. My hunch is that I won't be disappointed.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope the characters of her youth don't one day falter in her adulthood.

Quiet on the set!

I hope Pea doesn't shy away from Butlering.

Late last year, I was asked by a friend to act in a short film.  I had just completed over two years of improv training at The Second City with said friend and when she asked I thought this might be a nice way to close out my 'acting' career.  Pea had been born a few weeks before the shoot took place and as much as I enjoyed it, I had no intention of continuing with the improv stuff.  

I was Gerald the Butler, a very small role.  Yes, I know, there are no small roles, only small actors... but this was truly a small role, which was great, because at the time I couldn't have handled anything more than the two lines I had to remember.  I could barely remember to wear matching shoes.

I was nervous as could be.  I like improv because there is no real preparation needed. You show up primed and ready for anything to go down, so you can't really worry about anything too much in advance.  Actual acting requires actual preparation and I tend to over think things when I have too much time to prepare.  

So, on the day of the shoot, I show up ready for magic.  I spew my lines, take a break, spew my lines again, take another break, and so on (movies are awesome work if you can get it).  When it was time to do a quick close up of me and the lead actor, I performed as asked, and after the director yelled 'CUT' I actually overheard him say "Wow, that was awkward."  My lack of true acting skills had been confirmed.  I kept my day job.

This past Thursday, the film premiered at a local cinema and much to my delight, I wasn't so bad.  In fact, one of the scenes I was in got the biggest laugh from the packed house, which was a nice way for me to head into Easter weekend.

It really made me glad I decided to go ahead with the role.  It was an adventure and while I doubt I will be doing it again, I am now able to say I've acted in a movie.  Not everyone can say the same.

Pea is already demonstrating a real adventurous streak.  She has virtually no fear (that is, until the Pod and I go out for an evening... then all hell breaks loose) and inasmuch as she stays safe, I hope she continues to be a curious young mind.  I hope she is keen on trying new things and doesn't find excuses to back away from things that make her a little uncomfortable.  Those uncomfortable experiences are the ones that she will always remember.  We don't cherish the things we almost did.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't shy away from Butlering. 

PS - If I get a copy of the movie on DVD, you're all invited to my house for a screening!

Bucking the Trends

I hope my Pea doesn't believe the critics.

Here are my top-ten movies, generally panned by everyone I know, that I hope my Pea will still give a chance so that she can make up her own mind.  This, of course, when she is the appropriate age to watch.

10. Master of Disguise

9. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

8. Joe Dirt

7. Overboard

6. Anything starring Adam Sandler

5. Undercover Brother

4. 2001: A Spage Odyssey

3. The Road to Wellville

2. Wild Wild West

1. Back to the Future, Part III

I don't know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't always believe the critics.

PS - Yes, to all those that know me well, this entry was used as a convenient excuse to throw a Back to the Future plug on my blog... what's it to you, it's my blog?!