The birds and the Pea's...

I hope Pea doesn’t intentionally step on people’s feet.

Before Pea was born, I not-so-secretly wished for a girl. Ask anyone that really knows me and they’ll tell you that I’ve always been more comfortable around the fairer sex, perhaps because I’ve never really been a ‘man’s man’, capable of grunting, eating copious amounts of red meat, shouting obscenities at passing women and ‘crop dusting’ in public.

More proof, you say?

• I’ve never smoked. Anything. Well, except for one ill-advised cigarillo in university… it actually made my legs numb.
• I’ve never been to the ‘rippers’, and I don’t buy the logic that guys go to “help put young scholars through school”.
• I never spit unless I’ve ingested poison.
• I have a pair of shoes I never wear because I can’t find a matching belt.
• Guy’s who cheat on their partners make me ill. I guess cheating in general pisses me off.
• I’ve never bragged about my ‘exploits’.
• Minus one hockey fight (which was essentially two guys struggling to get each other’s helmets off), I’ve never been in a fight of any kind. I did get punched in the face once in grade 10, and truth be told, I sorely deserved it.

So I have the beautiful little girl I had hoped for... all’s well, right?

Here’s the rub. I’m beginning to realize that I am outnumbered and outestrogened. I may be glad that I don’t have to teach my child not to punch someone in the nose because they stepped on their shoe (hopefully), but I’m on the express train towards Mary-Jane’s, training bras and, dare I say it, feminine products.

My masculinity is eroding people, and fast. To keep Pea entertained and focused while we get her ready for bed, I routinely implore her to ‘comb daddy’s hair’ with her brush. The Pod usually reminds me that you comb with a comb, and brush with a brush. Oh my God!

I know what a barrette is, and I know which ones work best with Pea’s thin hair. On more than one occasion, I have placed a fallen barrette in my hair to avoid losing it and forgotten I put it there! Never in public, mind you, but it’s only a matter of time isn’t it?

(In defense of barrettes, they do an amazing job at holding back the two cowlicks that have taken up residence just above my forehead.)

I JUST DEFENDED BARRETTES!

There is but one solution to this erosion of masculinity – even out the X’s and Y’s in my family. Sure, I’ve met a lot of guys in my day whose testosterone levels are way out of proportion. But I know tons of guys who aren't mouth breathers at all. I’m not one of those guys… neither is my Dad, for that matter. He’s a well mannered, soft-spoken, hard working and charming man who taught me to never start a fight (but if one presents itself, to always finish it). I’ve got countless male role models to fashion a little man after.

So when the time comes to think about #2 (and no Mom, the time is not soon), I’ll follow the web's advise and ingest lots of red meat, salty snacks and caffeinated soda pop. After all, the internet has never steered me wrong before.

Ah, who am I kidding? Happy and healthy is all I really care about. And have you seen little girl clothes? It’s all so cute!

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn’t intentionally step on people’s feet.