Dear Diary

I hope Pea doesn’t let jealousy cloud her judgment.

I am not proud of myself, but I found Oopsie the Care Bear’s diary and I let my curiosity get the best of me. In hindsight, I’m glad I took a peek, because I found some messed up stuff.

What follows is an excerpt from Oopsie the Care Bear’s diary, dated August 11th, 2009. Oopsie’s lost it, people.

The little striped bastard and “Angelito” are ruining my life.

For the past several months, I have enjoyed life as Pea’s favourite stuffed toy. I managed to get rid of Ourson the bear in July with little to no effort… one well placed call to some ‘friends’ of mine in the US and I was confident Ourson would be left behind under a pile of blankets. And he was.

Granted, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers don’t come cheap, but I really needed that little beige bear out of the picture.

Since then, I’ve been living the high life that Ourson took for granted. Sleeping with Pea every night, snuggling close while she takes her evening bottle, even travelling to exotic places as her escort… life has been great. But now, two new buggers have weaseled their way into the picture and I’m beginning to think it will take more than just the MMPR to resolve this situation.

One of the attention-stealers calls himself “Brobie”. He thinks he’s a celebrity because he’s been on TV, some show called Yo Gabba Gabba, but I keep telling him that being on TV don’t mean poo to me… I’m a Care Bear dude! I know all about televised success.

To put it mildly, this Brobie guy is a freak and if I had to guess, a heavy drug user. He wears a full green-striped body suit, has arms that are as long as he is tall, three red horns atop his head and eyes that are always bulging. He keeps yelling “Dancy Dance Time!” and then proceeds to gyrate maniacally while his cronies yell “Go! Go! Go Brobie!”… it’s driving me nuts and the worst part is that Pea is buying it all, hook line and sinker. She’s enlisted the adults to record all of his Yo Gabba Gabba appearances on the PVR and when she’s watching, it’s as if I don’t even
exist.

Last night, while we were having a bottle of milk, Pea actually spurned me and grabbed Brobie to snuggle close to. I tried to conceal my disappointment as much as I could. Good thing my facial expressions never change.

“Angelito”, to her credit, might actually be a more formidable foe than Brobie and Ourson combined. Angelito dresses like a little angel and when you squeeze her stomach she recites a prayer in Spanish. Sure, the prayer is very sweet and Angelito is actually quite adorable, what with her halo, wings, white flowing gown and cute button nose, but I know the real deal.

Pea and her parents seem to think that her clasped hands indicate a constant state of prayer. Adorable, right? Who wouldn’t respect and ever-vigilant servant of God? In actual fact, this lady is an escaped felon! She can’t unclasp her hands because they are bound by invisible wrist shackles!

My Pet Monster told me that He-Man told him that Kermit the Frog told him that one of the Thundercats arrested Angelito for stealing Catholic missals from a print shop. Apparently, she was stealing the missals and sending them to less fortunate children in third world countries. Noble intentions or not, stealing is stealing, and this is not the type of person Pea should be hangin’ out with.

Pea totally loves these guys. Sure, I am still the one in bed with her at night. But, I’m beginning to lose my grasp on nap time and this has got to stop. Time to formulate a plan.

Wow. Does anyone have the number to a good Care Bear psychiatrist? Brobie and Angelito might need 24-hour protection.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn’t let jealousy cloud her judgment.