A day in the life of a Flight Attendant, Part II

I hope Pea never curses out a plane full of passengers, grabs a couple of beers and pulls an emergency slide to escape a stressful job.

Here it is, part 2 of my interview with Anne, a veteran flight attendant.

After Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater made a so-called 'heroic' exit from a particularly stressful flight, I sought out an interview with Anne... to see if life in the skies are really as glamourous as a 1970s movies would have us believe.

In part 1, Anne discussed the realities of turbulence, pants-less passengers and the rudeness of her fellow Man. In this installment, we discuss some lighter fare...

Ricochay (R): What do you like the most about being a flight attendant.  
A: I love my job for many reasons.   The schedules can be wonderful. I can usually pick and choose the days that I want to have off, and I can usually get many days off in a row.  This makes it convenient to visit many different parts of the world!  Also, since most international flights will come with a layover of some length, I usually get a small amount of time to visit and enjoy the perks of that city or even country!

We also get to meet many many different people, with different points of views and interests... whether they be the other flight attendants or the passengers.  It's different from being in an office all day.  I don't generally work with the same people twice, so you're always working with someone new and different.

R: All right, so what do you like the least?
A: The least... well sometimes the hours aren't the best - I mean I can start at 4am or work through the night without an inkling of sleep!  As I've mentioned, passengers aren't always the friendliest people.  It's often hard to be locked in an aluminum tube with a bunch of strangers, but even harder when they are overly demanding, don't know how to act appropriately, don't listen or simply seem clueless! 


It's funny how people seem to think that being on an airplane is different then real life.  For example, people drop stuff on the ground, make a mess and don't clean up after themselves!  I think it's a very simple thing to do to clean up after yourself.  I'm sure these people don't drop things on the ground at home, without even thinking twice about picking it up.

R: So Anne, is there really a Mile High Club?  
A: I'm sure there is a Mile High Club... but to be honest I've never been a witness to it.  Though, I don't really know why someone would EVER want to try to join the club — the bathrooms are so small, one would have to contort in such a random way... although for some people that might be the whole fun of it!  


Plus, those lavatories are not the cleanest things... you have to think of it this way, aiming is not ALWAYS easy when you are on a moving platform!  Guys have a hard enough time hitting the target when the ground isn't moving on them!

R: What location do you fly to where the customers get the rowdiest?A: I find that many people who fly south get a little crazy cause they are all going on vacation.  They start their drinking early, and on their way back, they generally act like they are still on vacation.  But I don't blame them, some people only get one vacation a year and really know how to enjoy themselves!  Vegas can also be a rowdy destination... but I think that goes without saying.  And remember, what happens on the flight to Vegas does not stay in Vegas!  You will get arrested.

R: Do you prefer to work red eye or normal flights?
A: Red eye flights are generally quite simple since everyone sleeps, and you have to find things to entertain yourself and keep yourself awake — that's the hard part!  Normal flights are a little busier, people are awake but you don't have to deal with the sleep deprivation.  And honestly, I like to be busy and don't like fighting sleep so a "normal" flight has more appeal to me!

R: What actually happens if someone uses their cell phone on a flight?
A: Honestly, you probably wouldn't be able to use your phone in the air... your phone would be roaming the entire time, looking for a signal... but that's what is interfering with the aircraft frequencies.  I'm not exactly sure what that means — but I am aware that the pilots use radio frequencies to communicate with people on the ground, so it would probably interfere with that.

R: What's the worst thing you've seen someone do to cover up smoking on a flight?
A: Yes, there are ashtrays on the plane... but that does NOT make it okay for someone to smoke onboard!  I once had a passenger ask me "does it mean that it's okay to smoke cause there's ashtrays"  We informed this passenger the actual use for the ashtrays: that if we were to find a cigarette butt on board, they would be a disposal for this butt.  She took this as an okay to go into the lavatory and smoke. Not a good idea.

R: Got any interesting stories about life in the skies to share?
A: This is story I heard from another Flight Attendant.  She was in the back galley after the service, and an adult passenger comes into the galley looking for the bathroom. She informs her that, unfortunately, both of the bathrooms are occupied.  After arguing back and forth with the passenger that there was nothing she could do to help her, the passenger says, "Well then I'm really sorry but I have to go now!" The Flight Attendant looks down and there's a puddle on the floor between the passenger's legs.

R: So, how many celebrities have you met at work?  Care to name drop?
A: I've met a few.  Nobody huge, but I like it that way.  I like the actors who are impressed that you know who they are.  Probably the biggest I had was Drew Barrymore... she was a lovely lady.  Very sweet, polite and kind.  I was never a huge fan, but I really liked her when I met her!  Other then that I've had a few Canadian athletes, hockey players, singers like Sarah McGlaughlin and Blondie.  I've also had politicians and their relations.


And the actors?  Kiefer Sutherland, Tom Arnold, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Holly Hunter...  Every time I operate a flight to LA, I hope that maybe I'll meet one of the stars I admire... although sometimes they are on flights you would never expect… for example Blondie was on a Vancouver-Edmonton flight and Holly Hunter was on the way to Whitehorse, so you never know... you have to keep your eyes peeled!

R: How often do you get hit on at work?
A: Personally, not too often. Although, I've worked with other Flight Attendants who are passenger magnets, they don't do anything different or special, but end up with a business card in the end.  It definitely happens.  I went on one date with a passenger, didn't amount to anything... but it was an interesting way to meet someone.  I have colleagues who have met their significant other onboard... so it's quite a possibility.

_______________________________________

All right friends, there you have it.  Being a flight attendant comes with great perks, like cheap flights to exotic destinations around the world and the chance to hobnob with some of Hollywood's elite.  But as Steve Slater well knows, it certainly isn't the most gracious customer service job out there.

The next time you're in the air, remember that Anne and her colleagues are just doing their jobs to the best of their abilities and let civility reign!

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she never curses out a plane full of passengers, grabs a couple of beers and pulls an emergency slide to escape a stressful job.   

A day in the life of a Flight Attendant, Part I

I hope Pea never curses out a plane full of passengers, grabs a couple of beers and pulls an emergency slide to escape a stressful job.

Regardless of whether you think Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater is a hero or a criminal, I think we can all agree that he holds held one of the hardest customer service jobs out there.  Flight attendants have to put up with cramped quarters, stale air, crying babies and customers who board the plane already jonesin' for their next cigarette even though they are hours from landing.

All this, and the incredible burden of keeping 50-250 people safe flight after flight.

After I heard about Steven's Billy the Kid'esque escape from the fuzz, I wanted to know exactly what it is that weighs on the mind of a flight attendant.  I also wondered whether some well known flight-related folklore is fact or fiction. So I contacted a veteran flight attendant and asked some of my questions.  Here's what I got.

Since my contact isn't authorized to talk to "the media", we'll call her Anna for the sake of anonymity.  Anne has worked for regional and national carriers and loves the work she does, despite much of the nonsense she has to put up with.

Ricochay (R): Do you ever work a flight where there are no rude passengers?
Anne (A): I would have to say that the majority of flights have rude flyers.  Now, there's a range of rudeness... the extreme rudeness — such as yelling and calling you names — that's about 1% of passengers overall.  But these are the same people who just don't have manners generally, or people who don't know proper behaviour.  Thankfully, these people aren't often onboard, you'll see them maybe once every one to two months.

R: What's the rudest thing a customer has ever said to you?
A: I wish I remembered the exact situation that lead to this, but I think the rudest thing that someone has said to me, was that I was stupid.  I vaguely remember the gentlemen arguing with me about something and I tried to stay very calm and help him out.  I obviously didn't give him the answer he was wanting and he continued to call me stupid.  In a very sarcastic tone, I replied "Thank You" and walked away.

R: The Jet Blue incident seems to have started because a passenger was ignoring one of the in-flight safety rules.  What is the one safety rule that gets ignored most often?
A: Hands down, the one safety rule most people ignore relates to the seatbelt sign.  There's a seatbelt sign for a reason... it's not just a pretty light for people to look at, and the pilots aren't in the flight deck switching the sign on and off for fun!

Whenever the light goes on, it's for a reason.  You know the in-flight scene in LOST, where the plane hits turbulence and some passengers hit the roof of the plane?  That can really happen!  But people don't seem to care about the risks involved with standing, walking around or even just sitting without your seatbelt fastened.  It's not like some passengers suggest.  I don't enjoy walking up and down the aisle looking to see if everyone has their belt on.  It's for everyone's safety.

Another thing people do is unfasten their seat belts right upon landing.  Would you unfasten your seatbelt when you are two blocks from home?  NO!  There's always a risk of a sudden stop or a bump... you never know.  And trust me when I say that a sudden stop in an enormous aircraft is going to send you flying, if you'll pardon the pun.

R: You mentioned the in-flight scene from LOST.  Have you ever hit really bad turbulence when you weren't expecting it?  
A: Most of the time, the pilots will be able to anticipate turbulence.  But sometimes they can't.  I was on the bar trolley once when we all of a sudden hit a patch of turbulence.   I was holding a cup full of coffee and I actually saw all the coffee leave the cup, float in the air at my eye level and fall back down on my hand.  Not good.  There's always a chance of that happening even if the seatbelt sign is not on.

R: So with all these people ignoring flight rules, have you ever come close to losing it like the Jet Blue dude did?
A: I've never come close to losing it like the Jet Blue flight attendant... but I have to be honest, sometimes people treat you so badly and drive you crazy that you feel like that could be the only way out!  There are definitely days where I feel like screaming "I'm not going to be treated this way!"

R: Do you ever have sympathy for the folks on 'the other side?'  The passengers  I mean, not those who have passed before us.
A: Look, if I'm having a bad day, I don't run about taking my frustrations out on everyone around me!  But every day we are blamed and treated poorly for something that's not even our own fault.

If you sit in traffic on the way to the airport, then stress out as you worry about making it through security, only to have bad weather either in your departure or arrival city delay your flight — that's not my fault.  Blame city planners and, I suppose, God for your day.  Not me!

But the reality is that we are the face of our airline.  As a flight attendant, you are usually the last person a passenger comes in contact with, and you have the longest contact with them.  So if they have had a bad experience with the airline or even simply a bad day, we often get the brunt of it.  I suppose I get that.  But I don't like people treating me rudely as a result.  We still need civility as a society, don't we?

R: What's the weirdest customer request you've ever had?
A: A passenger calls me over and asks me if I would mind if they take their pants off.  Uh, what?  What the hell does that mean?  I didn't know what to say.  I tried to answer the question, not really understanding why I would be asked such a rude question.  Before I could get an answer out, the passenger interrupted me and let me know that he was trying to make a point because another passenger had no shoes on and had her feet propped up.  I had never had such a bizarre complaint before.
_______________________________________________

Coming soon, part 2 of my interview with Anne.  In the second installment, Anne tells us whether the Mile High Club really exists, what really happens if you use your phone on a flight, and what destination entails the rowdiest passengers!

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she never curses out a plane full of passengers, grabs a couple of beers and pulls an emergency slide to escape a stressful job.  

Ridding myself of my karaoke demons!

I hope Pea doesn't let the tone deaf ruin a potentially good time.

In Pea's room, right beside the chair that the Pod and I sit on to put her to sleep, sits a dry-erase board.  Affixed to said board are several pictures of people that are dear to Pea, the Pod and myself.

One of these photos is a picture of the Pod and I, partaking in karaoke.  It's one of my favourite pictures of us, hence its appearance on the Pea wall of fame. It reminds me of a different time in our lives, when we were young and free to stay out late drinking and singing the night away.

Ironically, this girl can sing!
She actually sings the anthem
at Blue Jays games.  Regularly.
(And no, this is not the photo
of the Pod and I.)

At the same time, I loathe the photo, for it is a constant reminder of my hypocrisy.

You see, I hate karaoke.

Why would anyone hate karaoke, you ask, perplexed? Let me explain.

Not many people know this, but karaoke was invented as a torture technique during the Japan/China War of 1767.  Japanese soldiers would force chinese POW's to sing popular songs of the day, to 1) humiliate their foe and amuse themselves at their expense, and 2) determine who would be killed in a daily culling.  The soldiers that were released after the war continued the practice as a way of honouring their fallen comrades.

So, I can't enjoy anything with such a horrible tradition.

All right, I made that up.  The Japanese are not evil like that.  Hell, there wasn't even a war between the two countries in 1767.  At least not as far as I know.  I apologize for misleading you.

The actual truth is that I once saw a 55-year old man sing Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" in a hotel restaurant/karaoke bar.  This guy's rendition came complete with horrifying gyrations every time he sang the chorus, and a 65-year old back-up dancer rubbing herself against him for the duration of the song.  It was like interpretive dance set to a horror movie soundtrack.

All right, that's not really why I hate karaoke (but sadly, it is true).

The truth is I can't sing to save my life.  That is literal people.  If Justin Bieber were to approach me right now, and threaten to cute me to death if I didn't sing "Baby" to his liking... well, I don't even want to think of a world where Justin Bieber is incarcerated.

More to the point, most people can't sing to save their lives.  But, with enough alcohol in our systems, we can convince ourselves that we can, in fact, sing effectively and to the pleasure of others.

Yet, despite my highly publicized hatred of karaoke, I have been dragged on at least three occasions to sing for others, and plied with alcohol until I too lost my senses and picked-up the microphone.

Now, I'm not an animal.  Once in the moment, I get into things.  But God help me, I don't want to.

As I was putting Pea to bed recently, I found myself mulling over the complex emotions enshrined in that photo of the Pod and I.  And it occurred to me, that I have to think of Pea now.  Perhaps my hatred of karaoke is based on meaningless nonsense.

I want Pea to feel comfortable expressing herself through song.  Or, hopefully, singing beautifully for others!  Growing up, I wouldn't stand for my sister singing in the car.  Looking back, who knows if I was crushing a young dream of stardom.

So I am abandoning my inhibitions and letting the world know that I am hereby renouncing my hatred of karaoke in all of its forms.  I'm now up for a song as sung by someone other than the original singer, or a reasonable cover version.  Whether you can sing or not, your tune is ok by me.

Ok, let's salvage this angry diatribe with a little audience participation.  Favourite karaoke songs — what's yours, and why?  No prizes. Do it, just because.

My favourite is Pete Yorn's Life on a Chain, because it's the only song to which I know all the words from start to finish... and it's an awesome song.

Now, you!

I may not know what I want Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't let the tone deaf ruin a potentially good time.

Tweets from God

I hope Pea doesn't let trademarks stand in the way of her creativity and ability to deliver an effective message.

I recently found something so profound and awe-inspiring sitting on my front porch that I instantly knew it was what I had been waiting for to jump-start what.will.you.be,Pea.  Not that I needed something to jump-start this blog, really... just time. And I made the time for this one.

"Tweets from God."

Do I have your attention yet? Because Grace Community Church certainly had mine with a headline like that.

"Tweets from God" is a 12-page brochure, produced by the aforementioned Grace Community Church, that asks the question — what would God tweet, were he in fact, able to tweet.

A big hypothetical, because as we all know, Heaven is still operating on a dial-up connection, making tweeting, Facebooking and any other kind of social media use an absolute nightmare.

I digress.

So, lest I keep you in too much suspense, here are some of things the Lord Almighty has on his mind these days:

• Hey, me again. Just wanted you to know that I thought you handled that situation pretty well today. You're getting better...
• Because I made you, I have had a special interest in you since before you were born.
• The reason why my basic opinion of you never changes is because you are my kid.
• You were not an accident, and neither are your circumstances.
• Terrorism, climate change, war, you name it. I have everything under control.

Standard stuff, really. No surprises.

All right, so on a few different levels I admire this brochure to no end. For one, they've flaunted and bastardized the Twitter trademark like I've never seen anything abused in my life. As a communications professional, that's saying something! They've used the Twitter font, colour palette, design and logo to suit their needs with an obvious and clearly deliberate disregard for the law. The number of times I have wanted to do just that in my professional life is uncountable, so that fact alone gets Grace kudos from this guy.

Then, there's the fact that the brochure did exactly what it was supposed to do — get me to read it. I may not agree with everything in the document, but I have never — and I repeat, never — picked up a religious pamphlet from my front porch, thrown it in my knapsack, and brought it to work so I could blog about it later. Well done Grace. I can learn a thing or two from you about engagement.

And of course, one cannot overlook the intended target audience and messaging that Grace is attempting to put out there. Twitter will of course appeal to the youth demographic; those who have likely little to no interest in any type of organized religion because of the sex scandals and/or lack of appeal to their interests.

So, in the end, Grace appears to have hit a home run.

But wait. Let's break down what God is actually tweeting about. "You're not alone." "I know how much potential you have." "I made you on purpose." This seems a little repetitive, doesn't it? We've heard all this before. It may not have been spelt out in 140 character increments, but the Chapters and Verses concept is really just one tweet at a time.

I refuse to believe that after all these years of watching us mess up his creation, God doesn't have anything new to tell us. I mean, c'mon God, I get really pissed when people make edits to my writing at work, and that has no significance whatsoever. Am I to believe that your tune hasn't changed at all after two World Wars? Terrorism aimed at those who believe what you have to say? Men who ruin the lives of children whilst espousing your core beliefs?

I think it would have been better had he given us an update on what he's really thinking. Maybe something like...

• @Adolf666 You're an asshole and for the record, you were an accident. I hope you are enjoying the incessant sodomy. #Fail.
• @VaticanCityPlayers If I didn't want #homosexuals to marry, I would have made them #priests.
• Maybe I should have given the Kid clearer instructions about when he'd be returning. My bad.
• The crying statue of Madonna in remote Mexico? Not my doing. The creepy skeleton-like @Madonna in London? Yeah, that was me... and you're welcome.
• @MayanCalandarForever I do have a lengthy vacation planned in #2012, but I assure you @GodsRightHandMan is perfectly capable of keeping shit together while I'm away.
• Even I couldn't have predicted that @Lebron and @ChrisBosh would join the #Heat. #Didntseethatcoming.
• #SexandtheCity3 is going to revolutionize film making. Trust me.

I may not know what I want Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't let trademarks stand in the way of her creativity and ability to deliver an effective message.

Those Days Are Over!

I hope Pea doesn't let shenanigans prevent her from doing her job.



Yes, that is me. The bearded guy is Jeremy Knight. Jeremy wrote, directed and cast me, so he's good people. Elvis Deane did all of the behind-the-scenes-movie-making-magic. Elvis is also good people.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't let shenanigans prevent her from doing her job.

This isn't what you think it's about...

I hope Pea is never enticed to make conversation where conversation isn't intended to be made.

Is this weird?  I think this is weird.  Tell me this isn't weird.  But even if you say this isn't weird, I will still think it's weird.

Oh, and this is your official T.M.I. warning.

I was at work yesterday, and I had to attend a sit-down "Business Meeting" in the men's room, if you catch my drift.

Hey, I said TMI, so you had fair warning.

Anyway, as I was tending to the last order of business on my agenda, the feller in the meeting room next to me was also closing his meeting.  Just before he adjourned his meeting (aka flushed) I heard him say, and I quote, "Ahhhh, that's better."

THAT'S WEIRD, RIGHT?  I mean, c'mon, I didn't need to hear that, nor did the other gentlemen in their meetings at the time.

Saying that, at that moment, implies that you were in some sort of discomfort or distress for an extended period of time, and quite frankly, that thought is far worse that hearing you comment on it afterwards.

Ladies, I don't know what things are like in your meeting rooms, but in our neck of the woods there's no place for joviality and rhetoric.  You go in, do your business in silence, and get out.  Bing, bang, plop, boom.  That's it.

There has to be order in society!  Talking in the men's room, even if it is a quip to yourself, well that's anarchy, plain and simple!

So to you, mystery talker, I say this: you may not be able to keep your pants zipped up when you're in the mens room, but you can certainly keep your mouth zipped.

Good day.  I SAID GOOD DAY!

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she is never enticed to make conversation where conversation isn't intended to be made.

PS - I dare any one of you to defend the potty talker!  I DARE YOU!

L'impacte de l'oiseau

I hope Pea never puts up filters.

My mother-Pod-in-law recently started taking Pea to an Early Years centre near our house. When she's there, Pea has the chance to play with other kids her age. This is a bit of a novelty for her since she has a relatively small circle of friends that she sees quite rarely, because they live far away and Pea can't yet drive anything other than a large mouse with wheels.

Every time Pea returns from the Early Years centre, she comes armed with some kind of art and/or craft masterpiece (and yes, the mere fact that my daughter made this item makes it a masterpiece... you got a problem with that?).

Recent crafts include a 'oiseau' (we live in Canada, I shouldn't have to translate that... in case I do, see the above photo) and a mask.

The mask is beige, with some hairy stuff taped around the edges for effect and beauty. When I look at this mask, it's clear to me that both thought and care went into picking the amount, thickness, density and exact location of this hairy stuff.

In seeing this mask, I have a very rare but vivid flashforward.

I could immediately picture Pea in a small studio, somewhere outside of Venice or London, crafting piece after glorious piece of expensive, highly-coveted art. Like all great artists, she'd be in an extremely intense frame of mind, probably standing a few feet from her canvas and aggressively tossing the paint with a brush.

A digression, I apologize.

My stereotypical view of artists aside, it wasn't the idea of Pea creating that I was really focused on, it was the immense and obvious pride she felt at what she had done.

My little girl's unfiltered pride may be my absolute favourite form of expression, second only to her laughter.

So when I arrive to pick Pea up one day, she runs to the door, mask in hand, to show me what she's created. She isn't worried about whether I will like it or not. She isn't concerned that she missed a few spots with hair, or that maybe an older kid's mask was more elaborate and decadent.

She was clearly proud of what she had done an it showed on her face and in her body language. I could tell she was trying to hide a growing smile on her face, and that she cherished what she had made just as much as I did.

I'm trying to avoid the temptation to bring everything she has ever touched to work to show my colleagues, because the experience of seeing my prideful child is something I want to share with everyone... but that few people other than me and the Pod will actually care about.

I guess that's my unfiltered pride, shining through. And I dare you to tell me it isn't warranted.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she never puts up filters.

Vince, how could you?

I hope Pea doesn't put her hopes in Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau.

Saturday was not my best day.  For the most part, it was just Pea and I and throughout the day I was bested several times by a toddler.  An emasculating experience, if there ever was one.

It started out well enough.  Pea had a swimming lesson and while we arrived a little late, we were both pleased to hop into the water... until we realized that the water in the pool was absolutely freezing.  As I cursed under my breath, Pea and I reluctantly splashed around for 5 minutes before Paulina, our swim 'instructor' (she barely does anything that can be deemed instructing) decided we should all head to the hot tub to warm up.

Are toddlers even supposed to go in hot tubs, I wonder?  Oh well, too late...

Once in the hot tub, we slowed down our pace considerably.  I was content to just hold Pea, and she was content to just be held.

Until she saw the slide.  The small yellow slide.  That she loves.

Pea insisted that she go down the slide before we leave, which meant I had to hop back into the ice pool to catch her.  As I muttered more curse words under my breath, Pea gleefully slid down the slide.  I made sure she never touched the water, I think... when a guy goes from a hot bath to a cold shower, his mind tends to wander.

So, the first part of the day ends with two undescended testicles and a rather lethargic baby.

Once home, I decided to ride the wave of lethargy and put Pea down for her nap a little earlier than usual.  Ok, an hour and a half earlier than usual.  What can I say?  She was clearly tired and I figured, why not?

After her nap, a good one by Pea's standards, it was 'lunch time.'  I painstakingly made her pasta, with veggies and meatballs while she was asleep and she ate two noodles and half a meatball, methodically pushing aside all form of veggie.  She then refused yogurt, insisted on having a banana only to peel it and play with it, and then had me give her an apple so she could essentially rub it on the table.

Fine, she wasn't hungry.  But I lost it about a dozen times while trying to get her to eat.  It wasn't pretty.  And only one testicle had descended at this point.

If you've ever tried to reason with a toddler, you'll know that they are essentially liars and cheats who will do and say whatever it takes to get what they want.  Not on purpose, obviously, but it is nevertheless an agonizing experience to take someone at their word only to have them laugh in your face while they do exactly what they just said they wouldn't do.

The lesson here: if you ask a toddler if she wants an apple to eat or to play with, and she says she wants to eat it, she's probably lying.

After 'lunch,' our next stop was the mall.  I had to line-up to get the money-grab sticker for the car and truth be told, Pea was a pretty good little girl while we waited in line for over an hour.  As a reward, we spent 20 minutes in a Bozo the Clown car, one of those $1 rides at the mall.  She loved it, and I loved watching her play.

Next stop — home for dinner.  Logic would state that if she didn't eat lunch, she'd definitely be starving for dinner, right?   Wrong.  For an accurate description of what ensued over dinner, please re-read the above lunch passage, and multiply by a factor of two.

At this point, I'm practically pulling out my hair.  The crankiness, whininess and spontaneous bursts of frustration were unbearable.  Pea was pretty emotional too.

By the time the Pod got home, I practically ran out the door.  I figured a bad day is best soothed by chinese food... and for the first time in months, a DVD rental.

By the time I got home, the Pod had put Pea to sleep and we were ready to unwind with our take-out and out movie.  Things were looking up.

Sort of.  I rented Couples Retreat.

Wah wah wah waaaaaaah.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't put her hopes in Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau.

Um, wow.

I hope Pea isn't subjected to bad bus shelter advertising.

Along my brief walk to and from work every day, I have the privilege and honour of of seeing some of the country's finest advertising work.  There are some billboards, but very few. Mainly, I'm privy to some excellent bus shelter work.

In case you missed it, that last sentence was rife with sarcasm.

Don't get me wrong.  I have many friends who work in advertising and there are some really great attention-grabbing bus shelters out there.  Some advertisers do great work.

But, like any realistic Dad will tell his kids, you can't win'em all. Or, in this case, you can't Wind'em all.

For the past few days, I've noticed a Wind Mobile ad that has been driving me crazy.  Mainly because I just don't like it, but in large part because I can't imagine trying to build a brand without clear advertising, especially in such an important industry.  

As I do from time to time, I imagine conversations between people I don't know.  Seeing this bus shelter ad made me wonder what the ad approval session was like in the Wind offices when this gem was given the thumbs up. Here we go...

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: I think we should talk up the fact that we don't have contracts.  It says here in my Advertising for Dummies book that we should focus on what makes our product unique.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: I never would have thought of that, good thinking.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: Yeah, thanks.  I got this book for Christmas.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Score!

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: Ok, so we don't have contracts.  We are a relatively new company, and a lot of Canadians won't know anything about us.  They won't necessarily recognize our name, so...

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: ... so we should definitely keep them guessing!  That way they will have to go out of their way to find out about us, like a cool club that doesn't have a sign!  Try this idea on, see how it fits... let's not even put a photo of our product on the bus shelter!

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: You just blew my mind. 

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Thanks.  I had a muffin for breakfast.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: I can tell.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Ok, so no photo of our product.  What about the ad copy?  Should we make it clear, or vague and confusing?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: I heard Snooki and J-Wow on Jersey Shore saying that everyone likes a little mystery and intrigue in their lives... it makes things exciting.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: I saw that episode too, but I think they were talking about what they like in men.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: But it must apply to advertising too, right?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: I'd imagine so.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: Great.  

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Ok, so how's about "Don't sign right here please."

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: What do you mean?  I don't get it.  Does it mean, "Don't vandalize this bus shelter?"  It's pretty confusing.

Long pause.

Together: It's perfect!

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: But maybe we should put a little bracket at the bottom that says "No contracts."

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Did you read that in Advertising for Dummies?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: (flips through the book) I can't remember, this book is so big, I only skimmed it.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Ok, let's include it.  Why not?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: This is really coming along. What about colours?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: How about green?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: Really, green?  I've heard green is an extremely difficult colour to reproduce in print.  It can look very unappealing and it has an environmental slant that many people find off-putting.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Where did that come from?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: The book.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Right... but green is my favourite colour!

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: That's so true, you always look good in green!  It brings out the colour in your eyes!  Let's do it.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Yay!

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: Ok, so let's recap.  We have a bus shelter ad with no graphic representation of our product despite being new to the market.  We have sloppy and confusing ad copy.  And a bad colour that you look good in.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Way to go us!

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: Do you think we should get sign-off on this one?

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Naw.  Let's surprise our co-workers with our cleverness and outside-of-the-box thinking.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #1: You just blew my mind. Again.

Inexperienced Ad Employee #2: Thanks.  I had a muffin for breakfast.

All this to say, the ad wasn't something that appealed to me.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she isn't subjected to bad bus shelter advertising.

Olympic Tears

I hope Pea doesn't overlook the many fine winter sports we have in this country.

So.  The Olympics.  They're here.

Like most of you, I imagine, the TV at our house it is constantly tuned to CTV for coverage of the games.

One great thing about the Olympics, apart from the world's best athletes, is the coverage and attention paid to the families of the athletes.

Let's take Alex Bilodeau as an example.  If you watched Alex win Canada's first gold medal on home soil in moguls, you will of course have seen an elated man who thrilled his nation.  You will have seen a humble man who gave credit to his family and friends for helping and supporting him to this incredible accomplishment.

You will also have seen Alex's family jumping for joy with the rest of the crowd, but for different reasons.  Alex's parents were celebrating a lifetime of sacrifice, tears and success right along side their son.  It was emotional to watch, and as always, got me thinking...

The whole point of this blog is to help me decide what I'd like Pea to become... by eliminating the things I hope she doesn't become.

Well, I'm practically balling here, watching Maëlle Ricker receive her gold medal for snowboard cross. It's a great moment for her, but it's the constant shots of Maëlle's mom that've got me all teary.

Now I'm watching Marianne St-Gelais win silver in short-track speed skating, and her family is going nuts too... her Dad, a man who appears to be a pretty tough and macho fella, is working hard to fight back tears.

To watch your child achieve such heights must be an incredible feeling.  I guess I've decided Olympic medallist wouldn't be so bad.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't overlook the many fine winter sports we have in this country.

There, but for the grace of God...

I hope Pea doesn't forget the importance of true empathy.

I got a new job recently.  It's awesome... but it's also the reason I haven't been able to post as frequently as I used to.  I'm struggling to get into a rhythm and I'm typically pretty tired when I get home... I usually have just enough energy to watch Lost and then hit the sack.

My daily commute is just about the same, but now, instead of spending 3 hours a day sitting in a car, fighting traffic and snarling uncontrollably, I find myself enjoying the suburban commuter train to get to and from work.  I'm actually enjoying something called "books," although I can't yet bring myself to read Twilight in front of complete strangers.

Someday.

After I get off the train, I walk about 15 minutes to get to my office.  It's a busy walk, with hundreds of people walking in the same direction, trying to get to work as fast as possible and out of the cold.

Along my route to the office, I pass at least 6 homeless people.  In the morning, they are usually huddled under a blanket sleeping, trying to fend off the cold and wind.  In the evening, they are often awake, hat-in-hand, asking for whatever change passers-by can spare.

In my ignorance, I have always wondered how someone can end up homeless.  Don't they have families to turn to?  Did they really exhaust every possible avenue of support?

As a result, I have admittedly been selfish and less than empathetic.  I rarely give any of my own money... misguided, I've always assumed they are drug or alcohol addicts and that they essentially brought their fate upon themselves.

The reality, as I am coming to understand it, is that mental illness often plays a big part in the rapid downward spiral that afflicts many homeless people.  Undiagnosed or misdiagnosed patients rarely get the help they need... the mental health system in this country is in complete disrepair and before the individual even realizes they need help, things are often too far gone.

Houses are lost.  Families, who once did everything in their power to provide support, are exhausted and bewildered.  

Homelessness is not the choice.  It is the only choice.

I passed a homeless man the other day and it occurred to me that he was likely, as some point in his life, very similar to me.  He probably held down jobs in the past and had a place to hang his hat.

Regardless of the circumstances that brought him to this place, whether he is addicted or ill, this man's hollow eyes were probably once full of hope and excitement.  His face, now covered in a long black beard, was probably clean shaven and soft at some point.  And I'm sure people looked to him for support and guidance much like Pea looks to me for this same purpose.

It was this last thought that gave me pause.  A wife?  A family?

My life has been forever changed since I met my wife, and since Pea was born.  I simply cannot imagine a scenario where they are not in my life every day.  I can't imagine losing the laughter that fills our home when we play together.  I can't imagine not seeing them in the mornings or kissing them goodnight.

I can't imagine any of this, perhaps, because I don't want to.

My views on this topic are quickly shifting.  I'm beginning to consider the potential back-story that has led homeless people to their current situation, and I'm definitely aware of the blessings I have been afforded in my life.

In small ways, I am beginning to change my behaviour.  I don't avoid eye contact anymore and I am apologetic when I don't have anything to offer them in support.  I'm beginning to realize that whether they are affected by mental health issues or addiction issues, they are still deserving of the simple courtesies that I afford all other people I encounter.

After all, there, but for the grace of God...

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't forget the importance of true empathy.

Alf? Too easy...

I hope Pea doesn’t Oh my God, Dad, you are SO embarrassing too soon.

I wonder how long it will be before Pea understands embarassment? Soon, I would imagine. Especially since she has me as a father.

My wife and I were invited to a friend’s birthday party this past weekend. It was an 80’s themed party and I was excited by the many costume possibilities that exist with such a broad topic.

In researching a potential costume, I had quite a long list of possibilities: Marty McFly from Back to the Future, Ferris or Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Alf from Alf, white suit & shoes/pastel shirt, etc.

The longer my list grew, the more I realized that there was a good chance that another party-goer would have the exact same costume. I wanted to find a costume that would guarantee exclusivity.

Then it hit me.  What if 80’s didn’t mean a decade in time, but rather a decade in life?

It all came together from there… and in case you can’t see it, the hat says “Sensational Senior.”

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn’t Oh my God, Dad, you are SO embarrassing too soon.

Mwen regret sa

I hope Pea never fails to understand the true personal meaning of the word 'ruin.' 

I have a TV right above my desk at work, and most of the day we keep it tuned to a local all-news station.  It's on mute, but every now and then I look up to catch a glimpse of the latest current events.

Quite often today, when I glanced up, the news focused on the earthquake that rocked the tiny island nation of Haiti.  Several times, I noticed the headline that accompanied the coverage - Haiti in Ruins.

Haiti in Ruins. 

Think about that for a moment.  Think of all of the other references to the word ruin that you've heard in your life.  Certainly, if you've ever visited Pompeii or Rome, you'll understand that the term ruin has often been associated with centuries-old remnants of natural disasters and tourist attractions.  The ruins in these countries are historical; something you visit, walk through and experience as leisure, with little concern for the causes that led to their existence.

Now, there is an entire nation of people from our time that have lost a large part of their culture, their homes, and most importantly their loved ones.  To them, ruins aren't something you go out of your way to visit and experience... they are, in fact, just the opposite. 

Like most parents, ever since Pea was born I experience this type of current event with an entirely new point of view.  Now, instead of wondering about the material loss and rebuilding that Haitians will face in the months and years to come, I'm absolutely overcome with pain and sadness at the thought of Haitian parents who have lost their children, and Haitian children who are now left orphaned. 

Up until now, I've mainly applied the word ruin to physical objects and material possessions.  It is now abundantly clear to me that lives, in addition to things, can also be battered and ruined. 

In Haiti, and all over the world, there are millions of lives that are now left in ruins.  While we can all see the physical devastation they've experienced, and do our part to help them rise above their predicament, there is little to nothing we can do to help them come through the emotional devastation they've encountered at the loss of their homes, their lives and their loved ones. 

I'm sure none of you are visiting my personal blog to get the latest information on how to make a difference for Haitians, but I'll provide it here just the same.  Today, the Canadian government announced that it will match donations made by Canadians to any registered charity working to support relief efforts in Haiti, up to $50M. 

It is vitally important that we do what we can, as soon as we can, so that these funds become available as quickly as possible.  There are many charities - the Canadian Red Cross, UNICEF Canada, Médecins Sans Frontières Canada, World Vision and OXFAM Canada to name just a few - that are accepting donations.  You can find an exhaustive list of charities working to support Haiti relief efforts on the CBC's website, here.

We're not all in a position to donate money, and this is understandable.  While I'm not an overly religious fella, might I suggest prayer as a suitable alternative.  After all, there but for the grace of God...

When I got home from work today, Pea got a longer and stronger hug than she's used to... she didn't seem understand why, but she held on tight just the same.  Tonight, I count myself lucky to be able to hold her at all.

A tout ceux et celles qui souffrent tellement depuis le tremblement de terre en Haiti, je n'ai qu'a offrir mes sympathies et mes condoléances.  Mwen regret sa.

 
I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she never fails to understand the true personal meaning of the word 'ruin.'

I'm a winner!

I hope Pea doesn't forget to thank Sarah from s a r a h c a s m for giving her Daddy a Kreativ Blogger Award.

In case she does, I'll do it for her!  Sarah - I'm humbled by your shout out and, quite frankly, amazed you are still checking in despite my unannounced and unnecessary Holiday Hiatus.  In any event, thanks for reading and being so great with promoting my work.

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank the person giving the award
2. Copy the award to your blog
3. Place a link to their blog
4. Name 7 things people don’t know about you
5. Nominate 7 bloggers
6. Place a link to those bloggers
7. Leave a comment letting those bloggers know about the award

The SEVEN Things People Don’t Know About Me:

1. I have one pupil noticeably larger than the other.
2. My wife and I knowingly, lovingly and gladly co-sleep with Pea.
3. I read embarassingly little, and when I do read, it is embarassing content.
4. I can't put anything together properly without getting it wrong at least twice.
5. If I had been single when I visited Europe, I would probably be living in London right now.
6. Until I got married, I only brushed once a day.
7. I can form the Big Dipper constellation using birthmarks on my arm.

Here are the 7 8 bloggers I nominate for the Kreativ Blogger Award and one repeat winner (no particular order):

1. Julie from coffeewithjulie
2. Cam from Out of the Loop
3. Sarah from Sleeping is for Losers
4. Rick and Carina from Record Highs
5. Mariano from Adventures in Real Estate
6. Jen from Mom's the Word
7. Ron from For Your Approval
8. Agent Orange from There is a Light That Never Goes Out
9. Sarah from s a r a h c a s m

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't forget to thank Sarah from s a r a h c a s m for giving her Daddy a Kreativ Blogger Award.

There’s no mistaking it – that guy is an A-hole

I hope Pea isn't intimidated by bumper stickers.

The story you are about to hear, while true, is going to seem impossible, implausible and crazy.  Kind of like the movie She’s Just Not That Into You. But I assure you it is real.

Our tale begins with Pea and I stopped at a regular traffic light, about 5 minutes from our house.  We’re singing along to the radio.  Pea is dancing in her seat.

I look under the sunshade to check the status of the traffic light.  The opposite flow of traffic still had a green light and I watch as the pickup truck in front of us inches forward, over the white line and into the pedestrian crosswalk, trying to get the little man to turn into the little hand.

Then I saw it.  A bumper sticker.  The bumper sticker.  Perhaps the stupidest bumper sticker I have ever seen.

“My kid beat up your honour student.”

You know the part in Back to the Future II, when Marty comes back from the future but arrives in an alternate version of 1985, where Biff is a multi-millionnaire who owns most of Hill Valley and the town has been overrun by motorcycle bandits and other riff-raff?  That’s how I felt when I saw this bumper sticker.  I felt like Marty McFly in another world.

I panicked.

“Pea, where the hell are we?  What the hell is going on here?  Jesus Christ!”

(Incomprehensible gibberish from Pea.)

“I know, I’m sorry, Daddy didn’t mean to swear.  It’s just that I don’t know where we are anymore!  This can’t be right!  I can’t believe what I’m seeing!”

(More gibbersish.)

“What do you mean, calm down?  How can I calm down at a time like this?  How can you be so calm?”

(Silence.)

“You don’t see the madness in that bumper sticker?”

(Silence.)

“What kind of message does it send to his kids?  To his grandkids?  To his neighbours and friends?  Those kids will be in your class Pea!  They’ll think that it’s OK to…”

(Incomprehensible gibberish.)

“You’re right, Pea, I should follow him to his house!  Then we can call the cops or something!”

(Gibberish.)

“Oh, I should just drive to our house.  Sorry, I misunderstood you.”

(More gibberish.)

“So true, Pea.  Freaking out isn’t going to help matters much.”

(Gibberish.)

“Yup, you’ll be able to take care of yourself.  You’ll be proud of being an honour student and you’ll be able defend yourself against kids whose parents don’t believe in them.”

(Gibberish.)

“I think that’s a great idea.  You can befriend and work with them to build their self-esteem, since their parents will have destroyed it for them.”

(Silence.)

“You are wise beyond your months.”

As usual, Pea provides me with a new perspective and outlook on things.  She’s good like that.

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she isn't intimidated by bumper stickers.