The cliché comes to fruition

I hope my Pea doesn't figure me out too soon.

Before Pea was born, I often felt competent and at ease with myself.  I would go to work and have a productive day, come home and have a nice meal, spend time with the Pod watching TV, get a good night's rest and generally live life without questioning myself my every move.

That all changed mid-way through last year when Pea was born.  Every day since then has been filled with self-doubt, questionable decisions and countless Faustian deals with the devil... 

Deals including:

• If I can put her down in her bed without her waking up wailing, I will give you my soul.
  
• Now that I have gotten her down, if she will nap for more than 30 minutes I will give you my soul.
• If this diaper isn't filled with copious amounts of the most disturbing substance I have ever seen or smelled, I will give you my soul.
• If the Pod and I can just get through one day without yelling at one another, I will give you my soul.
• If I can watch this entire episode of LOST while Pea entertains herself in her jumperoo or cruises around her miniature "dinner table", I will give you my soul.

And so on.  

As luck would have it, I still have my soul, intact.

All of this has led me to the realization that all parents eventually come to: my own parents are amazing.  I don't ever recall a time growing up when I thought to myself... they don't really know what they are doing... my mom just gave me a guess in response to my question... my dad is scared out of his mind right now... etc.  It was all so seamless, so secure and so believable.

Now, of course, with the benefit of hindsight and a brand new point of view, I understand that every day of their lives as parents were filled with fear, guesswork and calculated risks.  And even though I have figured out that they didn't know what they were doing either, I can't help but love them even more because of it all.  

As a kid, I never asked myself how they pulled it all off.  They just did.  Now, I'm learning all the behind the scenes stuff that made it all a reality.  

I may not know what I want my Pea to become, but I hope she doesn't figure me out too soon.